Are you married to a narcissistic husband and stuck because of finances?

The hardest relationship in the world is married to a narcissistic husband. You will never be good enough for them. Their abuse causes you to feel like the following:

•           Do you feel as though you lost yourself in the relationship?
•           Have you stopped doing things for yourself?
•           Do your dreams and ambitions become distant memories?
•           Do you feel like you have shrunk away into oblivion, while the narcissist takes center stage?
•           Do you live in fear of saying the wrong thing that may cause them to go off on you?
•           Do you suffer from stress, anxiety, and negative thoughts about yourself?
•           Do you feel like you are losing your mind or feeling crazy?
•           Are you depressed and feeling stuck and thinking of suicide?
•           Do you feel like you are married to Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde?

That’s how a narcissist makes you feel. Narcissists are notoriously self-absorbed. They come off as arrogant, demanding, in-love-with-themselves, and they expect you to be the same – that you give 100% attention to them. They want you to obsess over them as much as they do. In the bible, a narcissistic personality is a Jezebel. They are like Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde. The narcissist will damage you and they will cause drama and chaos and division because, like the scorpion, that’s what they do. It’s important to understand the characteristics of a narcissist because this is what makes them so damaging……and SNEAKY.

Our world is full of narcissistic people, and they damage their wives by emotionally abusing them who are having a hard time surviving. Can you relate? Most of us think of narcissism as merely being selfish. But it is much more serious than that. They are sadistic people with a hardness of heart like King Saul.  

Narcissistic people reject God’s Word about loving others:

A narcissist has traits that are in opposition to the ability to love other people, at least in the way that normal people understand love.

Narcissistic people reject God’s commandments to love others. In 1 Cor. 13:4 says “Love is not rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not easily angered or resentful. It does not punish or seek revenge.” A narcissistic person disobeys and rebels against God’s word. They even ignore the rules of an organization because rules and morals do not apply to them.

19 Traits of a narcissistic person:

1.    A narcissist is Controlling.

Basically, a narcissistic person wants their way, their opinions, and their decisions to prevail, and they get angry if you disagree with them. They will pound you verbally until you give up for peace. This is emotional abuse.

2.    They Will Punish You. If you do not agree with them or dare to challenge them, you can expect a narcissistic person to do the following:

• Punishment – you will pay
• Vindictive – they will get revenge

Narcissistic people will punish you to control – you will pay. Their favorite punishment, when you don’t agree or do what they want you to do, is to withdraw from you emotionally. The silent treatment for days or even weeks. They become cold and distant because they know you hate this. They believe you will cave to them. It is a rollercoaster of emotions living with a narcissist.

They are revengeful: They repeated threats, smearing your social reputation, and trying to mess up your career and the new relationship.

If a narcissistic person feels you are pulling from them, they will give a little reward from time to time to keep a person hooked such as a little affection, affirmation, and being nice through flattery to pull you back. I’m sure when you dated him, he went out of the way to be nice to you, complimented you, and gave you gifts to win you over.

When they are nice to you to pull you in emotionally, you think they have changed, and you get your hopes up, and you open up your heart again, but it is a psychological game for them. Then, wham you. What does the Word have to say about flattery?

Ps 78:36-37 “Psalm 78:36-37 Nevertheless they flattered him with their mouth, and they lied unto him with their tongues. For their heart was not right with him, neither were they steadfast in his covenant.”  In Psalm 62:4 They plan to topple me from my high position. They delight in telling lies about me. They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts.. A narcissistic person acts like Jekyll & Hyde. They act like they have two personalities. One person is pleasant and the other dangerous.

If you are dating a man that overly flatters you with a lot of compliments, run from them.

Proverbs 7:21-23 She persuaded him with persuasive words; with her smooth talk, she compelled him. Suddenly he went after her like an ox that goes to the slaughter, like a stag prancing into a trapper’s snare till an arrow pierces his liver like a bird hurrying into a trap, and he does not know that it will cost him his life.

3.    Truth Enrages them: They refuse any form of accountability or truth. They do not want to hear the truth from you or anyone else, so you walk on eggshells to void their anger.
4.    Tiptoe around them: If you are married to a narcissist, you will find yourself tiptoeing on eggshells. You never know what will offend them. You never know when Hyde will show up and the rollercoaster starts.
5.    They have anger and rage to intimidate you: In the home of a narcissist, there is a lot of anger and rage because a narcissist is so often using anger to manipulate and dominate to intimidate you to submission. It is the way they punish.
6.    They Shift Focus: If you have a problem with their attitude, or how they treat you, or you want them to change, they will shift focus and make you the problem, whinner, etc. that you are complaining about and you are ungrateful. Before you know it, you are defending yourself against being a complainer.
7.    A narcissistic person lies: They avoid things by lying to you. They will lie to hide things from you. They will lie to control your opinion about someone they do not like. Even if you catch them lying, they will make excuses to prove their lies are true! Narcissists are masters of deceit.

They lie to charm people. They can be very charming around your friends. They can make you feel special and important to them but in fact, they are manipulating you and getting control of you. The charm will only last if you are their puppet.

8.    They Never Admit they are Wrong: They will convince you they are innocent. They never admit they are wrong or ever apologize but twist the truth to confuse you and turn it on you.
9.    They will convince you that you don’t trust them: Narcissists are cynical and very accusing.
10.   They love leadership roles as a stage for attention: Narcissistic people love power, praise, and GLORY. They will do anything to get recognition from others.
11.   They are masterful actors: Narcissists are actors and they play different roles for different people. We call these roles ‘masks’. they try to keep the mask up so you do not see what they are really like.
12.   They Have Affairs: Most narcissists will cheat on anyone they're with, especially when the relationship or marriage is already well-established. It's also crucial to understand that being cheated on by a narcissist doesn't mean that you're less intelligent than they are. They get what they want and don’t care who they hurt.
13.   Narcissists are classic bullies: They ambush, attack without cause, and prey on the most vulnerable within their grasp, usually those who love and depend on them, namely their spouse and children, who as a result carry lasting emotional and physiological trauma.
14.   Passive aggressiveness is a favorite tool because it looks innocent: This is done with the purpose of manipulating or hurting you, passive aggression can be considered a type of covert abuse, particularly if done persistently. The silent treatment is an example of passive-aggressive behavior. Making a joke at your expense is another example.
15.   Narcissists do not battle honestly: They employ deception and lies to ‘win’. They make you the problem through deception.
16.   Narcissist Push Buttons: A narcissistic person will push your buttons to get you to lose your temper and then point the finger at you that you are the problem around your friends or in public.
17.   They Talk About Themselves: Narcissists spend most of their conversations talking about themselves. And they expect you to talk about them too.

If you talk about yourself, narcissists find ways to steer the conversation back to them. They might interrupt you, with something “important” about them. Stare at you with a glazed expression, clearly not listening. Or ridicule you until you stop.

18.   They act like victims: One of the most powerful ways they manipulate people is they play the victim card by making people feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, people make excuses for them. A victim is very hard to confront or hold accountable. They get away with horrible things.
19.   Narcissistic people are never happy: Narcissistic people are never happy, and they don’t want you to be happy either. Remember the phrase misery loves company? Well, with them it is true.

SNEAKY ANGER. Know anyone who has sneaky anger? They stab you in the back at work. If looks could kill, you’d be dead. You pass in the hallway at work, and they hardly say “hello.” But they would deny they are angry. It’s amazing how ANGRY people deny they are angry. Some Narcissists Hide Their Anger: Paul Tournier, the great Christian marriage counselor, said, “The angriest people are not yellers. They do not raise their voice. They are soft-spoken. Their anger is sneaky anger!”

The angriest people are not yellers. They do not raise their voice. They are soft-spoken. Their anger is sneaky anger!” 

One of Aesop’s most famous fables is about the scorpion talking a frog into giving him a ride across a river. The scorpion could not swim and so he begged the frog to let him ride on his back. The frog said, “No. I’m afraid you will sting me.” The scorpion promised that he would not do that. But when they got close to the other side of the river the scorpion stung the frog. And the frog said, “You promised me. Why did you sting me?” The scorpion said, “I’m a scorpion and that’s what scorpions do.”

So how can you survive a narcissistic husband?

1.    Set clear boundaries:

•           Whatever it takes, find the courage to draw boundary lines for their behavior. Not allowing it.
•           Have topics that you won’t talk about.
•           If you do have to spend a lot of time with your narcissist, create a little bit of a detox period for yourself.

2.    Don’t fight back or yell back: A narcissist can rage, yell, threaten you, and be malevolently cruel... You must draw boundary lines because whatever you allow will continue. If that means going to your bedroom, leaving the house, going outside, or even going to the bathroom to escape their rage and yelling. You must tell them you refuse to talk to them when they present that type of behavior.

3.    Their behavior is not about you:

•           Their problem is serious. They suffered severe rejection or were controlled and made some bad choices in life to protect themselves. They are full of insecurity and keep you at a distance so that you don’t really know them.
•           Their life is about them. Don’t take it personally.  
•           This means we must not let the drama they create make us back down. Narcissists love to create drama. It is their favorite tactic yelling, rage, and growing cold to you. They hope you will cave – peace at any price. Don’t cave but forgive quickly.
•           But you must not be manipulated by it because whatever you allow…will continue.  Don’t give in to having peace.    

4.    You are never responsible for their happiness:

It is a choice. Happy people never put other people in charge of their happiness. When they are not happy, they blame you. It is a trap. They are experts at mind games. Happiness is a choice. If they choose not to be happy, let them. You can’t force a person to be happy, but you can choose not to put them in charge of YOUR happiness.

5.    Learn not to engage with them:  

Dial down the type of conversation such as the weather – small talk. Don’t talk about your emotional issues with them. They see you vulnerable and chop you up with their words. Don’t try to explain to them why you did something or said something. You’re never going to win at that game because narcissists argue like lawyers. You can’t win, so don’t bother. I had a dad who was narcissist and when he would try to start an argument or accuse me of something, I would say, if that is what you believe, then believe it. I know the Lord knows the truth and I am accountable to him.

6.    Get in a support group either in person or online: If you need to get counseling on how to survive a narcissistic personality do it. This can be online. You can join forums, Facebook groups, etc. Have support from friends and family members that can pray for you and lift you up when it gets difficult.

7.    Understand That He Is Irrational – they are very suspicious people and will try to conjure up something like you have been unfaithful. My favorite line when someone accuses me is to say “if that is what you want to believe and cut the conversation off.” Don’t defend yourself – that is caving in with them.

8.    Maintain Realistic Expectations - you’ve got to recognize that this is not going to change. This is who they were when you met them, and this is who they are now. So don’t have unrealistic hope that one day this is going to get better. 

9.    Expect that It Will Get Worse After Having Children if Planning:

They demand to be the king bee. Children to them is inconvenient, noisy, and messy. Plus, it takes the attention off of them dealing with children’s needs. They feel like they must compete for your attention because they want 100 percent of your attention.

10.   Don’t take their guilt trips: Living with a narcissistic person is not easy. It will be very hard because a narcissist is a pro at making us feel guilty if we are happy and they are not. Don’t take the bait. Be happy even if they refuse to be. Don’t fall into their guilt.

11.   If they start twisting, and yelling, tell them you won’t talk as long as they are yelling, and threatening. Go for a walk, get out of the house, or go to the bathroom.

12.   Learn to forgive the unforgiveable:

Forgiving is the hardest form of loving other people as Jesus has loved us. He said love one another as I have loved you. Well, that means forgiving the unforgivable as He has forgiven us. Remember it is not about you. You are dealing with a very sadistic person that has no love in their hearts. They have the heart of Saul. So, detach the is unhooking emotionally. If we refuse to forgive, we have fallen into their trap. They want you to be angry and unforgiving. They want drama. Why? Because whoever makes you angry controls you. Forgive and break the chain.

That is why the Bible says don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Don’t punish yourself for someone else’s behavior.

13.   Finally, here is a big key to protecting yourself:

Protect yourself from a narcissist by counting your blessings in the morning and every night. Don’t let a narcissist steal your joy. They are unhappy so they don’t want you to be happy. You need to be defiant by practicing thankfulness for all your blessings.

People who feel blessed are those who count their blessings. It’s your best protection against a narcissist!

14.   When in public places with friends: Always be on guard for them to push your buttons to get you to react in a negative way. They want you to look bad to mutual friends.

A relationship with a narcissist is a rollercoaster. You can’t change them but you can get off the rollercoaster by counting your blessings. Seriously. Your life is bigger than the things they do.

Why is Your Husband a Narcissistic?

The spiritual fruit of a narcissist is the root of rejection. The underlying elements of rebellion, with bitterness and idolatry, are always present in the life of the narcissistic scorner. They are deceived so that they cannot see their error. In some, the Narcissistic spirit is stronger and more evident.

The evil fruit:

•           Unteachable
•           Deceived
•           Uncorrectable
•           Stubborn Self-will
•           Self-worship
•           Envious, Covetousness, Envy
•           Tale Bearing, Gossip
•           Selfish
•           Bitter

After living with a narcissist (still married or divorced), and you feel hurt, have a broken heart, walk on eggs, dealing with anxiety, stress, and depression, How about feelings of guilt and shame? Maybe you feel defiled? Do you have a lot of negative thoughts driving anxiety, you may want to hear this next part.

 Go to part 2 to learn 14 solutions to live with a narcissistic husband.